Yes, I watch the Super Bowl for the commercials.

This probably won’t surprise you, but today as part of my lunch I simply had go out and buy a nice tasty bag of Doritos.  No, I didn’t wash them down with Bud Light, nor did I  have a Snickers for dessert, so if this were a test of how effective the Super Bowl ads were then the Doritos ads won by a mile.

My favorite ad was probably the Bridgestone Tires killer whale/bachelor party ad.  So hilariously over the top that I nearly hyperventilated:

My second favorite was the fiddling beaver.  How can you not love this commercial?  It’s a BEAVER.  Who PLAYS THE FIDDLE!  This is bliss!

Some people have said that this year’s commercials were “okay” but not as good as previous years’.  I sure don’t agree.  I mean, come on–FIDDLING BEAVERS.  ‘Nuff said.

So how did the actual game go?  Umm, the Saints won, which was nice for them since they’re underdogs, but bad because they were the ones who got to play instead of the Vikings (I’m from MN yah know).  Plus, I like the Colts because their uniforms were gold and much prettier than the Saints.  And now you know how interested I am in football.~

Proof of the un-impressiveness of Avatar’s record!

Thank you, Forbes.

Eat this Avatar! 

And just for some added joy, I am not the only one lamenting the clichés of Avatar:

Review: Avatar

Warning:  Spoilers abound!

So now that Avatar is hurtling through box office history, it’s time that I went and wrote a review.

Little of what I have to say hasn’t been heard before: the visuals are outstanding, inventive, gorgeous, and entirely convincing.  There are fantastic creatures I never would have imagined on my own:  delicate tree seeds that are crosses between dandelion fuzz and jellyfish,  hammer-headed rhinos, horses with aardvark heads, and many others.  Many animals have six legs instead of four, for no real reason but to show that this place is an exotic Other World.  And the story is pure and utter cheese.

Steven D. Greydanus, a movie reviewer whose site ranks among my top ten (see, decentfilms.com), summarized the plot best: “Not only is it Star Wars and The Matrix, it’s also John Smith and Pocahontas, Dances With Wolves and Fahrenheit 9/11, Edgar Rice Burroughs and Rider Haggard, Hayao Miyazaki and Jack Kirby, Ferngully: The Last Rainforest and Battle for Terra, Jurassic Park and Aliens. It’s noble primitives and warmongering Westerners, imperialist and expansionist guilt and no blood for oil, Cortez and Custer and George W. Bush in one fell swoop. It’s environmental apocalypticism, Gaia and the Force, Vulcan mind-melding and fal tor pan mysticism and Disney’s Grandmother Willow. It’s space Marines and military oppressiveness, mystic/enlightened feminist consciousness and interspecies romance.”

Essentially, it’s every single Hollywood cliché and deeply held belief all put together into one amazing CGI package!

Thus, my enthusiam for the visuals was strongly tempered by disgust for the storyline.  It’s not that seeing innocent Na’vis’ sacred places being destroyed didn’t make me want to shed a tear, or that I wasn’t a bit happy that they were able to fight back.  It’s just that most of the way through the show I had to fight the urge to roll my eyes at the absurdly black-and-white thinking of Cameron’s Earth antagonists.  It didn’t help that Earth seemed to be only represented by white U.S. males, and that the mercenaries hired to “overthrow” the Na’vi were U.S. soldiers.  During the tensest battle scenes in the movie, it occurred to me that we were supposed to be rooting against the U.S. soldiers.  We were supposed to be thrilled each time one died.  This was sick.

I have taken the liberty of locating some of the following absurd Hollywood belief system clichés in Avatar:

Natives are pure and live in perfect harmony with nature.  They are kind and gorgeous and in terrific shape.  They have no technology and are presumably very into Going Green.  Animals are considered Brothers and Sisters and killing them is considered a very sad event, yet for some reason the Na’vi are not vegetarians.

White men are greedy warmongering pigs.  All white men in this movie aside from the Hero whose name I cannot remember (perhaps due to his subdued screen presence) and one other guy who’s kind of wimpy think of the Na’vi as dangerous murderous savages and are too pigheaded to think of them in any other light.  Will they consider working with the Na’vi, or trying to understand their culture, or negotiating with them in order to get the “unobtanium”?  No, a thousand times no!  They will consent to nothing but flinging themselves into full-fledged war with presumed killers! 

The perfect native religion is matriarchal and goddess-centered.  As men (especially white men from the U.S.) are overwhelmingly violent and pig-headed, the perfect pure religion must certainly be focused on female divinities and leaders. 

Any non-pigheaded white man who starts living with an indigenous population will want to stay with them forever.   Also see Dances with Wolves.  The hero, who has the virtue of open-mindedness that other white men do not, lives with the Na’vi as one of them, and is entranced by their way of life.  In this case it’s understandable, for the Na’vi live in a paradise and get to ride flying dragons.  ‘Nuff said.  The open-minded white man turns from his own kind forever in favor of the indigenous population, which would be quite a difficult task in my opinion when you’d assume the guy has family, friends, and a life back home on Earth, but in the movie it just takes a moment of decision.

White women are less pigheaded than white men.  The Sigourney Weaver character is a scientist with the Pandora invaders who wants to study their ways.  She, of course, is the only other white person who is open-minded.  Oh, but there is a female helicopter pilot who in the end rejects the evil violent ways of her pigheaded white peers.  Which can be attributed partly to the fact that she’s female.  Which was a dramatic plot twist that shocked nobody and appeased feminists (not that this movie needed to do anything more, really!).

In short, Visuals = Good, and Storyline = PC Mumbo-Jumbo.  Well worth seeing in theaters, but in my opinion does not deserve to topple Titanic.  Which apparently it just did recently, according to the world-wide box office.  In the domestic box office it’s just passed The Dark Knight, which just about breaks my heart, as TDK left an impression on me that Avatar never could (I only saw it five times in theaters).

My heart would be broken for good if not for the smug confidence of knowing that when adjusted for inflation Gone With The Wind is still the top earner, and will probably never be beat.  (Plus, who has made the adjustment for Avatar‘s extra money from 3D tickets?  That person I would like to talk to.)

When all is said and done, should the box office really matter?  (My soul says “It’s an important status thing and you know it!” but my reason is trying to drown in out.)  When regarding Avatar, I can’t see the characters becoming a part of pop culture in the way that, for instance, Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia have–or even Jack and Rose.  The Star Wars characters had a freshness to them–sure, they represented archetypes that have been in stories for generations, but they were also distinct and relatable.  Jack and Rose at least had strong chemistry and humanity.  Neytiri and What’s-His-Name?  Well, if I were in the same room with Neytiri I think she would scare me, and I’m not talking about her 12 feet of height or catlike aspects.  What’s-His-Name is too wooden for me to feel a strong connection to.  After all, I can’t even remember his name.

Perhaps I’ve become a little too jaded to appreciate this “film event.”  Or perhaps I’m still spoiled by my first breathless viewing of the Lord of the Rings trilogy (truly, sincerely, I have never viewed films the same way since).  In any case, I would only give Avatar a 3 stars out of 4, and I’m am starting to feel concern over this year’s Oscars…~

Hitler Saddened By Democrats’ Loss of Senate Seat

Video:  Hitler Finds Out Scott Brown Won Massachusett’s Senate Seat

Beautiful.  Just beautiful.

Is 60-year-old tradition “nevermore”?

Every year, early in the morning on the birthday of Edgar Allan Poe, a mysterious stranger visits the famous writer’s grave in Baltimore and leaves  a half-bottle of cognac and three roses.  The tradition was started by the unknown man nicknamed the “Poe Toaster” in 1949 until 1999, when apparently the tradition was carried on by a son.  Up to 150 people at a time will show up every year on Jan. 19 to witness the ritual, coming from as far away as Japan.  The appearance of the Poe Toaster has been an exciting and unexplained event for decades…until today.

Why the Toaster did not show up during his usual span of hours between midnight and before 5:30 a.m. is not known.  Jeff Jerome, curator of the Edgar Allan Poe house, said in a Baltimore Sun article, “I’ve been doing this since 1977, and there was no indication he wasn’t going to show up.”  Some are thinking that perhaps the Toaster decided to stop with the Poe bicentenniel last year.  But why, then, not leave some sort of the note at the grave, as had been done in previous years?

I’m hoping that unforeseen circumstances kept the Poe Toaster from reaching the gravesite.  It is too sad to think of such a fun and touching event just ending out of the blue.  Such a mysterious tradition was not only fitting for the memory of a writer like Poe, but by gosh it had romance, in the old-fashioned sense of the word:

Dictionary.com:  romance (r-mns, rmns).  2. A mysterious or   fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful.

The modern world doesn’t have much interest in romance, it seems.  It’s all hard-boiled “realism” (which can be every bit as imaginary as idealistic fiction) and cynicism.  Yet individuals such as the Poe Toaster remind us that romance is alive, as it’s always been throughout the generations, albeit in fewer places. 

I hope I’m not the only one who would like to send a plea somewhere out there in Baltimore for this tradition to stay alive–for the sake of Poe and for the sake of romance-seekers everywhere.

                                     

Some thoughts on the past decade, pt. 2. Now with Uggs!

I’ll bet that people from the Middle Ages times would think to themselves, “What will life be like in the year 2000?”  Perhaps rumors flew the fastest in the earlier part of the 20th century (the advent of the industrial age).  There were quite a few guesses on what the futuristic world of 2000 would be like.   Apparently, it was generally agreed that it would be something like this:

I must say that the truth is decidedly disappointing.

Then again, our own modern predictions on what the future will be like have often proved to be just as erroneous:

(No offense to the King of Pop here by the way–truly.)

So here’s a top five list of what I think are the most important events of the 2000s:

1. September 11, 2001.
2. Terrorist attack on Sept. 11, 2001.
3. 2001’s September attack in NYC
4. World Trade Center attack in 2001
5. The destruction of the Two Towers and deaths of 3,000 people.

I think that pretty much sums it up. 

But what about other important events?  When people look back and think “2000s” (or “00s” or “aughties” or what have you–we’ll probably never decide on a name) what will they think of?  Here’s five other momentous occasions in recent history, mainly dealing with the U.S.:

1. The capture of Saddam Hussein
2. Hurricane Katrina (and the other hurricanes)
3. The Iraq/Afghanistan occupations
4. The election of Barack Hussein Obama
5. The death of Michael Jackson

Speaking of the King of Pop…no. 5 may seem a little odd, in regards to the other items, but his impact on popular music is with us forever, and his death was worldwide front-page news.  I can’t think of any other popstar so big that his funeral would warrant LIVE coverage on all the major networks.  Unbelievable.  We may never see that again in our lifetimes.

And now for the fun stuff:  trends.  Here’s what I will always remember:

1. iPods and mp3s
2. Stick-straight layered hair and side-swept bangs
3. Emos
4. Hip-hop
5. Uggs
6. Flared jeans
7. “Going Green”
8. Crocs (regrettably)
9. “Natural” looking makeup
10. Reality TV (namely, American Idol)

All in all, with the exception of a few completely nonsensical trends (as in the case of the reviled, hated, horrible, and dippy-looking Crocs), I think fashion took a turn for the better.  There was more interest in flattering the figure and finding the best hairstyle for your face shape, and hairstyles in general were more polished.  Makeup showed off the natural beauty of women’s features, rather than coating them with goop (that’s right, early 90s).  Yes, some guys wore stupid baggy pants that let their underwear show, but the general preference for looser slacks instead of fitted pants for guys was an improvement.  (I’m looking at you, 80s, cesspool of all that was unattractive!) 

I could add more, such as the obsession with “dewy” skin and having a “sun-kissed glow” (while hysterically telling women to STAY OUT OF THE SUN!!!) and the “tousled beach waves” hairstyle that’s still in.  But I think we get the picture.

There is so much I could say about movies and music that why not leave it for another blog post?  Alright, then, if you wish, then I will. ~

Some thoughts on the past decade pt. 1

I suppose I’m a little late for this post. If I were on schedule with the rest of the media I would have churned out several top ten lists by mid-December musing upon the last decade of the new millenium.

Speaking of which, before New Year’s I saw a list on Yahoo.com that compiled the “worst mistakes of the 2009” or something to that effect. I’ve tried my darnedest to relocate that article but it seems to have disappeared into whatever black hole so many old Yahoo news articles fall into. One was about the “Air Force One photo incident,” which happened back in April. What Air Force One photo incident? you ask. To which I reply, EXACTLY.

For the first time ever, I read about the incident that happened on April 27th, when a White House Military Office-approved photo shoot of a Boeing VC-25 flying low over New York City was carried out. (This Boeing VC-25 becomes the Air Force One when the President in on board, which in this case he wasn’t.) The main problem aside from the tacky decision to photograph the President’s aircraft flying nearly at the altitude needed to slam into a skyscraper was the fact that NYC was not notified of the photo shoot. Understandingly, people grew nervous when they saw a plane apparently about to stage a terrorist attack, and there was panic in the streets along with evacuated buildings. Whoops!

Obama apparently had no idea the photo op happened until after the fact, and was very upset by such relentless stupidity.

I tend to keep up with the news, but have absolutely no recollection of hearing about that photo shoot. Which must mean that it barely made the news. Let us imagine, if you will, that such a photo shoot had happened when Bush was still in office, a few years after 2001. Why, there would have been no end to the coverage of this embarrassing incident! Not only the White House Military Office, but indeed the entire administration including Bush personally would be held up to ridicule, and asked how could they possibly support such idiocy? Yet it happens in 2009, and if not for that item in Yahoo news it would never have come to my attention.

Alright, more to come late, most likely in the form of a top ten list.  After all, I am rather fond of top ten lists.~

Review: 2012

Warning:  spoilers aplenty!

It has been awhile since I’ve posted anything (drat my genetic inclination towards procrastination!) but I am pleased to announce my return to the silver computer screen with my first review: Director Emmerich’s gigantic cornball 2012!

This is, without a doubt, the best dumb disaster movie ever made.  It somewhat transcends the total inanity of Volcano and its special effects are far superior to such noteworthy achievements as Independance Day and Armageddon.   Until you’ve seen about 3/4 of Yellowstone blow up simultaneously, you can’t say you’ve seen a decent movie explosion (and my favorite thus far was the fantastic annihilation of the Gotham General Hospital in The Dark Knight.).

Talk about your special effects.   All sorts of familiar places are destroyed in perfect CGI: Las Vegas, Los Angeles, the statue of Christ in Rio, Sistine Chapel,  the Vatican (Emmerich is apparently laboring to get to his obvious point about opposition to organized religion), the White House.  In the case of the White House, it’s not enough for it to merely fall to pieces–oh no!  In typical 2012 fashion it must not only be crushed, but CRUSHED BY GIANT AIRCRAFT CARRIER BEING PUSHED THROUGH WASHINGTON D.C. BY A MONSTER FLOODWAVE!!  And Vegas is not merely broken up by an earthquake, but a MONSTER EARTHQUAKE THAT LEAVES CREVASSES THAT DWARF THE GRAND CANYON!!  And all rendered in spectacular CGI, where even the deepest cracks in the crust of the earth are lit with a beautifully colored glow.

The premise makes no logical or scientific sense–something about neutrinos interacting with the earth’s core in a way they never had before, causing the crust to become unstable (this inspires typical dialogue along the lines of: “That’s completely impossible!”  “I know.  But it’s happening.”), but hey, we need some sort of reason to systematically allow the destruction of the globe!  The plot offers almost no surprises beyond the death of someone I thought too unimportant to show dying.  And it’s riddled with fantastic movie clichés.   Let’s go through the list:

1.  Divorced dad at odds with ex and children.  Cusak is a hapless, little-known sci-fi writer who experiences tension with his beautiful but crabby ex-wife and her new boyfriend, a snivelling L.A. plastic surgeon.  Cusak’s young son is a complete and total brat, initially inspiring audiences to root for his death until the movie forgets this part of his characterization half-way through the film.  The little girl is cute and the only thing we know about her is she wets her bed.

2.  Cute dog who never, ever dies no matter how dire the circumstances surrounding it.  This so-ugly-you-laugh-when-you-see-it lap dog (with the tongue sticking out the side of the mouth) is so obviously a candidate to survive the destruction of 99% of mankind that the movie becomes a game of “how will little dog survive this time?”.   Even as the dippy blonde owner becomes trapped in a compartment rapidly filling with water, she has the presence of mind to throw the dog over a rising wall and voila!  dies while lap dog survives!  I can only wonder if Emmerich was aware of the “dog surviving disaster” element of movies, and deliberately decided to include it in 2012 for laughs.

3.  Main characters escape disaster upon disaster without a scratch.  No fireball is too big to singe the hair of this family, and no earthquake is violent enough to wreck their vehicle!

4. The Theory of Presidential Portrayals in Film.  This theory is that if a Democrat is president, film portrayals of the American president will be inclined to be positive, whereas if a sitting president is a Republican, portrayals of the president become increasingly negative.  See Independence Day, circa the Clinton era, in which the American president is not only a tough-talking Cool Guy but an action hero,  piloting a high-powered jet straight into the innards of the alien mother ship.  Then see the first Transformers, circa George W. Bush,  in which the president is reduced to a cameo appearance of red sock-clad feet and a Texas-twanged request for an assistant to “wrastle [him] up some Ding-Dongs.”  Now see 2012, circa Barrack Obama, in which the African-American president (which I think was a good choice, as it would have seemed awkward otherwise) heroically sacrifices his life in the place of others.

5.  Onscreen destruction of only famous landmarks.  You can’t, for instance, show the capital of Tajikistan in ruins, even though it is a part of our planet, because no one can picture the capital of Tajikistan unless he has been there.  The audience will only understand the full impact of the annihilation of the globe if they see the White House going under.

6.  Crazy outcast hippie guy who was right all along.  Self-explanatory.  And, might I add, that you can always tell the crazy outcast hippie guys by their hair, the loads of technological equipment they can somehow afford, their lava lamp or two, and at least one mention by them of Roswell.

There are more, but this post will get far too long otherwise.  How could you not love this movie?  I ask that sincerely. 

In spite of its dumb fun, there are a few things about it I didn’t particularly appreciate.  For one thing, while this doesn’t surprise me at all, the only religious landmarks shown being destroyed are Christian (or, more specifically, Catholic).  I’m sure the Hollywood special effects team took great joy in lovingly crafting every detail of the Vatican as it fell upon the shrieking, candle-holding crowd who were only seeking spiritual comfort.  I’m sure I saw a tiny red speck that was the Pope going down in his balcony.  No doubt the crew high-fived each other after finishing this bit of CGI wizardy, and Emmerich wiped away tears of appreciation upon beholding the final product.  That’ll show organized religion–which mostly means Christian churches–or heck with it just those superstitious Catholics–by gorry!

To be fair, Emmerich was equally interested in destroying the Kaaba, the most sacred place of all the Islamic holy places.  However, he was concerned about the possibility of a fatwa, and decided against it.  There are so many conclusions you could draw here that I will just leave it to your imagination.

People of eastern faiths, such as Hinduism and Buddhism, are given a pretty reasonable treatment.  They kneel piously and pray in the face of coming death, or else look upon advancing waves with eyes of calm.  Catholics, on the other hand, scatter screaming as the dome of St. Peter’s crushes them to smithereens.  Thanks, Hollywood.  Thanks a lot.

Not that I’m surprised by the above, mind you.  But it is grating.

2012 is a great popcorn experience and deserves to be seen on the biggest screen possible.  And it’s surprisingly easy to lose yourself in a movie that deals with troubles more pressing than, say, co-workers who leaves extra work for the evening shift.  Check it out, and for heaven’s sake don’t try to do any thinking while you’re in the theater.~

 

I am still reeling a bit over the fact that Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize a week or so ago.  As even Democrats have stated, “WHY???”  All he has accomplished so far was to let his campaign managers use “HOPE” as a tagline.  And he moved troops to Afghanistan…and is probably about to add more troops (wait, I thought all of that was going to disappear once he was in office!  For shame!)  And he lifted the ban on federal funding for abortions in international countries a few days after his election.   This  doesn’t quite scream “peace” to me…

As regards the Nobel Peace Prize committee, by far the most enlightening thing about this puzzling news was that the nominations for the Peace Prize came out only twelve days after Obama was elected.

If anyone argues that Obama did in fact deserve the prize for what he has done in the approximately ten months of being president, well, I’m afraid that that argument is officially moot.

Here’s the really sad part.  All my life I have believed that a Nobel Prize was the most prestigious award a person could recieve.  It was a prize so grand, so lofty, that a person had only about a one in a billion chance of even being nominated for it.  It was a prize that elevated you to the heights of one of the gods on Mount Olympus.  It, in short, was the highest distinction any individual could hope to recieve.

Why did Obama win it?  Here’s the most likely answer: because he isn’t George W. Bush.

And now I can never view the Nobel Peace Prize in the same way again.  Because I have seen that personal prejudices–and liberal prejudices, at that–can influence the way they choose a candidate.  There is no objective evaluation of the worth of a person’s actions, only a very, very elite thumbing of the nose to George W. Bush.

This is your brain:

This is your brain when you have gone waaay overboard on hating George W. Bush for eight straight years: 

Any questions?

Target KNOWS…but last year they knew more.

So I think that October is my second favorite month, just a hair’s breadth behind May (May is my favorite for far too many reasons to list right now, and besides, I’m in the mood for autumn, not spring, dang it). One of the things I love about October is that it is the MONTH OF HALLOWEEN!

Yes, for an entire month I revel in autumn, in the bright yellow and orange leaves against that vivid blue sky and the way those leaves fall so charmingly to the ground. And the pumpkins. ALL the pumpkins. What is October without going to a garden center or driving past an apple orchard and seeing yards and yards of pumpkins lolling on the ground waiting to be bought? Few things are more cheery, or more nostalgic. And all of these things about autumn are, for me, inextricably connected to Halloween.

I’m sure you can all sympathize with the delight of going to various stores and seeing the Halloween displays. Now, my favorite store by far is Target. You see, Target KNOWS. It understands you. It has the best inexpensive fashions, the finest DVD deals, the most stylishly efficient cooking utensils, the chicest salt-and-pepper shakers (I have a pair that are the most darling little white china birds). Yes, my friends, Target knows. 

Anyhoo (how I digress!), I went there recently to check out their display.   And it seemed… simpler than last year’s.  Not as fun.  Target didn’t quite KNOW as well as last year.  For one thing, their Halloween signs all shouted “BAREBONES PRICES!  SWEET DEALS!”  Yeah, reminding me of how much I desperately need to save money really helps me feel childlike delight in the candy bowls with the moving green hands in the middle and the plastic skeletons who sing Monster Mash.

I am happy to report that the fake gravestones are the coolest they’ve ever been, and that the latest gargoyles look practically torn from a medieval cathedral.  However, all that was somewhat marred by the fact that against the wall behind the displays were shelves upon shelves of Christmas lights.

This year’s Target Halloween party theme is “Skulls Wearing Crowns.” 

Observe:

Now, this is a pretty cool theme.  I like how it hearkens back to the olden days of kings and queens, along with delivering the perhaps undesired philosophical thoughts about mortality (“Look upon me, for as I am ye also shall be!”  The kiddies will never be the same.).   Yet somehow, it doesn’t quite cut it.  Perhaps it’s because I grew up seeing “princess crowns” gracing everything from t-shirts to sparkly pink necklaces from Claire’s. 

The other big theme is the Skelanimals.  Those would be these:

Skelanimals are pictured on the banners hanging above the displays, and there is Skelanimals merchandise for sale.  But the really wierd part is, they had funky plastic picture frames on which were printed tiny Skelanimals and Halloween sayings like “Trick or Treat,” “Happy Halloween” and…”Sweet Deals!  Barebones Prices!”   Mmm-hmm.  Who is actually going to buy one of those frames??

But the Skelanimals are a step above last year’s…thing.  Some of you may remember the terror that was Domo, circa Target Halloween Display 2008:

Just what the heck was Domo?  I think he was a creature hatched from an egg, or something along those lines.  Whatever the case, Domo was wierd.  Domo did not make sense.  Domo did not belong.  Target should KNOW that Domo must not be allowed to exist ever, ever again.

Target, I will always love you and realize that you must occasionally stoop to what it beneath you in the effort to remain inventive.  But next year, please bring back those awesome orange paper plates with the fancy bat-and-curlicues designs on them.  They were sweet.